KCI The Anti_Meth Site

What would or have you traded for drugs?

steveb	What would/have you traded for drugs? Most meth users I have met, will sell or have sold or traded any and everything they owned, or someone else owned for drugs. Many of us end up loosing everything before reaching our bottom, taking everyone near and dear to us with them. My wife and I were both users, and when we had nothing left to buy drugs with, she offered herself, with my approval for them. This worked for awhile, but since I had nothing to offer, besides my wife, she moved in with the dealer. After a few months, as his new play thing, he hired her out to his customers to pay for her drug habit. I have since gotten clean and sober, but can not get over the guilt of allowing her to do this. Any others had similar experiences or advise on how to overcome my guilt?
Replies...
Loraura	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? *Quote:* Any others had similar experiences or advise on how to overcome my guilt? A program of recovery will help you clean up the past, and keep a clean slate day to day so you don't have to feel guilt-ridden all the time. Have you tried Narcotics Anonymous?
imlost inky	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Hi Steve and welcome to KCI. All of us have some guilt about something we allowed in addiction that we never would have had we been in our "right" minds. What would I have traded for another baggie? I don't know- I will never know- because that option was never there for me when I got off meth. I quit because I couldn't find it- nothing more, nothing less. Would I have ever gotten to that point? My first reaction is to take the stand of a morally superior person and say No, not I. But the truth is Steve, I could very well have done just that. I really wanted another bag. I don't know- thank God I will never know. What I do know is bad enough. Addiction isn't pretty- it isn't glamorous- it takes us all down. How to forgive yourself? Counseling would be a good place to start. Carrying around this load is too great a weight on you. It leaves you to open to use again just to numb it out. You can't change the past- if you could, I know you would. I know you would give everything you own just to go back to that one moment in time- to rewrite history. It isn't possible. What is done is done. If you stay too much in the past, you lose today. You fought long and hard to get to this day. It is your gift. You could put it to good use in helping others break free of this hell. Or you can use it to beat yourself down.
corty shell	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Welcome Steve! OK with that said, that's a heavy load you're toting around on your shoulders. Ever think that it was her choice too? Her decision isn't your fault, if she wanted drugs that badly do you think you could have stopped her?
Paws from hell	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Steve; First Welcome to Kci. When I decided to get clean, the first thing I thought in the rooms of recovery was, Damn, no one could be as bad as me. No one has sunk to the levels I have. I was wrong we all have our personal demons and past. Don't forget the past, but shut the door on it. Learn from it and move forward. Everyone has their own point when we decide to not allow it anymore. May this be yours ! I also had a hard time with guilt. Getting clean was easier than staying clean, and guilt and unresolved resentments were reasons for my relapsing. This is a good place. Stay clean , and serenity will follow.
laurrr	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Hi, Steve. Welcome to the board! Well, if it had come down to it, I would have, and probably did to some degree, trade my soul if that's what it had taken to get me high. Addicts are powerless, as it says in the first step, when it comes to our disease. I never went as far as selling myself for my habit, but I'm sure had I been given the chance for it to escalate to that, I would have. The sad thing about female drug users, and well, male, too, is that eventually we end up selling ourselves for drugs. About your wife, try looking at the situation from another perspective. And be logical. Had you not given her "permission" to do what she did, she would have done it anyway in order to get high. You "okay-ing" it just gave her more reason to do what she had probably already set out to do. If she's anything like I am, which if she's an addict, I'm sure she is, I was always looking for someone to place blame on no matter what I had done. Sounds to me like you have a little bit of what's called "survivor's guilt." Right now, you just need to focus on your recovery, go to some meetings, get some other men's numbers, and I'm sure the Steps would help you tremendously, seeing as how they've helped me. The Steps are the solution to everything. Oh, and use your Higher Power!! He/She/It will help you sooo much while you're going through this bump in the road. I just want you to know that I'm here for you most definitely, and I love you.
jes78	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? today I'm a grateful recovering addict. although i don't talk publicly about this, only to my sponsor, i feel safe sharing here, its much easier to write when people don't see you. first i became a stripper, but not that type, ha ha. then i became that type. i moved to Italy, where drug use is extremely high. i started prostituting, mind you i moved w/ my boyfriend. he got deported and i followed him. he would make me take "rides" w/ the connect. in southern Italy, when you work in a strip club, you work as a prostitute. although my x introduced me to all this, i was game. i hated it and myself for doing it, but i was game cause i couldn't get sick. now I'm clean and feel no anger at my x. he's still in Italy struggling and i know it wasn't him that pushed me into doing what i did. i feel nothing but sadness he's still using. i will always love and want the best for him. you see, i can't change the past, only learn from it, and i hope you do the same. my past makes me no less of a person, in fact it made me into the person i am today and today i like me. god bless you
Paws from hell	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? *Quote:* you see, i can't change the past, only learn from it, and i hope you do the same. my past makes me no less of a person, in fact it made me into the person i am today and today i like me. god bless you Thank You jes78 and God Bless back ! Now IMHO That's what I call a Power at work.
guest who	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? *Quote:* i can't change the past, only learn from it, and i hope you do the same. my past makes me no less of a person, in fact it made me into the person i am today and today i like me. god bless you Utmost respect goes out to you for your attitude, personality and whatever else I am sure I missed. Bless you. Bless every one of you.
jes78	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? where else can you admit to having been a prostitute, and been congratulated! do you think i should tell my boss? lol
Paws from hell	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Good thing you're laughing ! All I can respond with is : Don't cast your pearl before a swine.
guest who	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? You just made me laugh. That's a good one. I won't make any jokes because I don't want to be insensitive but yeah, respect. p.s. I was referring to Jes at the time because I was posting while you were posting.
JamieJ 1979	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? I was a stripper before I ever became addicted to drugs. I didn't use drugs to deal with work. I danced during the daytime when the single mom's, college students worked because there weren't drugs on the scene and the money was good. Dancing wasn't something I did because of drugs. I continued to dance when I got strung out but I would only work once in awhile because I didn't like working while I was on a binge. So I got into escorting because I didn't have to physically show up for work daily at a set time. I called my boss and told her I was ready to go on calls and she would call me with a address and a time when she had a client for me. This was great for me because I could do whatever all day long and just drive to a call when one came in. I made decent money and didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do but escorting wasn't me. I actually like stability of having a set schedule when I'm not using. I like dancing and make good money doing it. It wasn't a negative experience for me. After I have my son I plan on returning because I can work very little and make decent money. The thing that I stooped to when I was on my last run was walking the streets as a prostitute for drug money. I didn't have sex with people but I did do hj's and bj's. I rather make money and buy my dope than exchange sexual favors for dope. You NEVER get enough dope for the sexual deed so you just short change yourself. That's what I've observed at least meaning when girls have told me the amounts of dope they've received for sexual favor's it was never even close in my book. I mean why screw someone for $50 worth of dope when you can do a hj for $100 and buy it yourself? I only walked the streets for maybe three months but that was long enough. I stooped from working in strip clubs that were very clean and classy to walking the track. I went from traveling to L.A. to do porn and being paid nice amounts to walking the track. All because of my heroin habit. I had to have it. I was also using uppers on top of the heroin but the heroin came first. I was so excited when I got the state to pay for treatment last February after using daily for 6 long months. I was so ready to quit using heroin. Unfortunately I wasn't totally ready to give up the speed or coke, whatever I felt like using at the time. I didn't use daily anymore once I got off the heroin but I was using a couple times a month for a couple months before I finally realized I wasn't having fun I was just using because I was craving the stuff every 5-7 days. I just had to let my body heal and that I did. I got serious about my recovery and started taking advantage of all the resources available to me. I'm so happy to be clean today. Those few months of living the life of a really low street type addict were what it took to bring me to the point where I was totally ready to put the dope life behind me. In the past whenever I would clean up I would always have a little voice in the back of my mind planning on using once I got my life together again, or it would say I could use once in awhile if I was good. Not this time. I know I cannot use drugs and not experience negative consequences eventually. I feel I hit bottom and it took hitting bottom to get it through my head that the dope life is not for me. We all do some stupid crap while using, some more than others. Don't let your actions while using make you feel bad. Your wife would've done what she was going to do regardless. She didn't know she didn't have to have sex with people for dope. Many women that get into drugs and don't know much about the sex business think they must have sex in order to get what they want be it money or drugs. My guy knew what I was doing, I'm the one that supported our habit for the most part. I wouldn't want him to feel guilty because I was going to do what I was going to do regardless. I don't feel I betrayed him because I was 100% honest with him about what I did. He rode with me to see clients most of the time. I had to be able to be honest with someone otherwise I would've gone crazy.
jes78	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? jamie, i just read your reply and i feel like I'm looking in a mirror. my name is jes78, and I've been in recovery for 27 months. i found out i was pregnant in prison and was clean for about half the pregnancy. i went to a rehab that allows you to keep your child w/ you, that was the only way the state would allow me to have partial custody. i am also recovering from shooting heroin and smoking crack. i also was a stripper, nobody would have ever thought how messed up i was because for a while, $ was no problem. but then i couldn't put the pipe down and go to work, i was either dope sick, or geeked. you mentioned going back to work, and i say different strokes, different people. for me i couldn't stay clean. for a little while I'd be clean but then I'd start to drink, or something would happen, or maybe not enough happened, i will justify anything to use. but from somebody so smart, you can do so much more. i read your posts and you have so much wisdom, i hope you know that. if you want to go back to dancing, i hope you the best, for me it did not work. i hope I'm not saying too much for being so new. whatever decision u make god bless you and your baby. is this your first baby?'
JamieJ 1979	Re: What would/have you traded for drugs? Yes this my first baby. I'm not positive about going back to dancing. It's always my first thought though, I must admit that. I'm nine months pregnant, my due date is this coming Sunday which is November 5th. I want this baby out now! I didn't get any stretch marks this whole time until last night, I swear that I went to bed all normal and woke up with one tiny stretch mark on the lower part of my stomach. I hope that laser treatment will work if I happen to get any more. I hear it works half the time if the stretch mark isn't really deep. I'm sorry but I have to admit I'm kind of a vain person. My appearance means a lot to me. I remember when I was using I used to spend all kinds of money on plastic surgery, tanning, nails, facials, good make up, and so on so that I looked good on the outside even though I was killing myself inside. That is a problem I've had to deal with, being comfortable inside my own skin. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be but I still have a ways to go. I think when you've worked in a industry where looks mean a lot you become really obsessed with your appearance. That's what has happened to me, actually I was like that before I started dancing, modeling, doing porn, etc. I would say during the last year and half I've relaxed a bit. Welcome to KCI and nice to meet you.